My survival is more Gloria Gaynor than Bear Grylls

I’ve mentioned survival often, but only in the context of surviving a festival or surviving retail therapy. They say that you’re always three minutes away from death. Breathing resets the clock. That’s probably the only survival technique I’ll ever need.

Dib dib dob

Maybe it’s an unfulfilled childhood where I dropped out of the cubs and never made it to the scouts. I did get a cooking badge for making cheese on toast but I never got to the fun part of playing with knives, tying people up with knots, or setting things on fire. While all of this sounds like the education of a kidnapper, serial killer or arsonist, I have recently awoken the desire to learn about survival and bushcraft.

I’m still unsure if it will ever be of use but I’m going to put that aside. There are many things that I know but wouldn’t want to put into practice. A little more knowledge isn’t going to do me any harm.

I think I’ll take the Starbucks option…

I must stress at this point that this is more of a statement of intent. As yet I’ve not really learnt anything. What I have done are acquire the basic materials. This is more of a report of what these items are. Hopefully, it will not come as a surprise if I pop up suggesting proctoclysis or to use a term you may be more familiar with rectal rehydration. Actually, I hope you aren’t familiar with that term.

Survival, as everyone knows, starts not in the Amazon but on Amazon. I had soon ordered a couple of books. The first book being a very small and portable SAS Survival Guide. The other is a larger DK book with lots of nice colourful pictures of skinning squirrels and compound fractures.

Dual purpose items?

Thumbing through the illustrations I started to get an idea of what you would consider a basic survival kit. These include a condom and a tampon. Apparently, these are the best items you can have to carry water and light fires. I’ve been doing it wrong for so long!

Luckily these items are available in pre-done kits and also available to buy online. They were joined in the basket by a compass, some waterproof storm matches and a whistle. The latter we all know from our preflight safety demonstrations is for attracting attention either when ditching at sea or attracting the attention of bar staff.

The serious bit

One thing I do have and have always carried with me is a good first aid kit. While everything above is a bit of a laugh, everyone should carry at least the basics. I do have the luxury of space to stow a decent kit and there are a few available that are specifically designed for motorcycles and can easily be stashed under the seat, even on a sports bike.

Of course, equipment is nothing without knowledge. I have full intentions of doing the Biker Down course. I would have already done this if there was a course held closer to me but it looks like I’m going to have to travel. If I’m lucky they will be running a course at The Overland Event in September.


Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I’ll stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
And I’ve got all my love to give and I’ll survive
I will survive, hey, hey

Gloria Gaynor

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